Despair

(Written in October 2003)
What I am feeling is despair. I feel “like” my life has been wasted in a meaningless struggle, etc. But that’s a thought. What am I feeling in my body? Ache and heaviness of heart, weakness of limbs, nausea in stomach. I’m afraid that I can’t take care of myself — but I do know where the next meal is coming from, it’s heating on the stove. Gosh — I haven’t a clue how to work with this.
I’m scared because the current political situation looks so huge and hopeless. It’s worse than a war, it’s a war of the rich and powerful on the poor and helpless — everything worthwhile is disintegrating — “resource wars” — no sense of community — our circle dance community is over-extended, etc. I feel like a small person trying to keep a small candle alight in a huge and windy darkness. Is it worth holding on to the candle? Yes of course. And the huge windy darkness is also spirit. The current political horror show is just a design on the hem of the robe of god. Am I wrong to try to alleviate suffering in the people closest to me, and to acknowledge that there’s not much I can do to affect the big picture? NO. I’m doing the best I can and that’s enough. The rest is on the lap of the gods. There’s no guarantee of success on the material plane. Therefore the battle, and the victory, occur in the spiritual realm. My efforts to bring compassion to my despair, just the continuing effort, is itself victory. “The world is always turning toward the morning.” There. I feel strengthened.

I realize I’m angry at myself for “lying around doing nothing”, for not being able to “push past” the nausea and weakness. OK, can I bring compassion to my misery and anger? This poor woman — she’s feeling sick, for god’s sake, and the dog has been sick and she’s worried about her, and tired from two days of driving and a weekend deep in the Pit. I was going to let myself “convalesce” today — thinking that I’ve done enough — but I thought I’d be comfortable resting. Instead I’m giving myself a bad time. I love the natural world, and I want to enjoy it and it’s very painful to be unable to.
Too much analysis, too much left-brain, too much trying to figure it out.

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