(Written in January 2005)
The work I did with Brad was frustrating — I felt like I “hadn’t gotten anywhere”, but he thought it was good and when I told Eleanor, she thought it was good too. Basically I started to get comfortable, and when I got uncomfortable and wanted to move, Brad suggested I imagine moving and see what happened. Mostly, imagining was coming from my head. I would feel an ease of tension, and then it would tighten up again. Mostly in my neck & shoulders & jaw, also breathing. Brad said we were trying to let involuntary things happen. I got a few little jerks in my shoulders and legs, but that was all. But I was able to get more comfortable with that awful state where I feel like I must do something but don’t know what to do and am waiting for some real impulse. At the end Brad said “The point is to learn how to live from the inside, not the outside.” This makes sense of the body sensation where the tension is like skin, like long underwear that is too tight — something from outside preventing me from moving, in contrast to the one where I was stretching and could feel it in the muscles.
(Written in February 2005)
Great session with Brad. I put my hand to my neck again in that unconscious gesture so we spent some time with it. It does feel like some kind of self-comforting, self support. Then I had my hand on the left side of my neck and it began to feel like it was supporting my head. Then I wanted to lie down so I did, left side down — I managed to get the pillow right on the first try and then I just lay there getting more and more comfortable — it was WONDERFUL. It felt like layers and tiny pieces kept on settling and adjusting — I could feel little twitches, I also felt very rounded, like something melting or a bean bag sagging, could feel my rounded self sinking into the couch. I stayed like that, exploring, enjoying, for the rest of the session. I never got bored or felt stuck, there was always something happening. All the sounds became part of the tapestry — it was like a good meditation. Brad said instead of feeling invaded, I was able to be curious about them. Afterward my neck felt very relaxed.