(Written in March 2007)
Woke afraid in the night, woke afraid & sweating in the morning. It feels like there is a huge and hostile being waiting for me to make a mistake and punish/humiliate me. My chest still hurts. I feel dazed and stunned. I wish I knew what set this off. What’s most discouraging is dancing last night didn’t really help.
Lynelle said that this kind of global fear without context comes from infancy. It also makes sense of the huge hostile implacable being.
Dear Guides & Guardian Spirits, I’m terrified. I don’t know what triggered it and nothing I do makes any difference. Please help me.
Dear Jenny, we love you. You are dealing with another layer of trauma from infancy. The cold hostile being who is walling out the rest of the universe is your cold, alcoholic, rejecting mother. That feels like all there is because she was all there was when you were a baby. But she’s really only a lost, damaged, immature, unconscious human being. When you were a baby, she blotted out the universe. But she is not the universe. The real universe is founded in love and holds you in a vast compassion. This vast compassion holds both you and your mom. Let yourself rest there. All shall be well and all shall be well.