No Firm Foundation

(Written in February 2007)
I’m feeling precarious, a bit lost, a little scared, a little discouraged.  I feel like there is no firm foundation under me.  I try to let my weight down solidly on the couch, to let the couch hold me up.  I feel my shoulders start to hunch and let them go.  I can feel myself trying to hold myself “up out of” — up out of what?  my own experience?  I let go and feel the ache of discouragement around my heart.  I let myself sink down, I can feel my weight on the couch, but it also feels like everything is dissolving out from under me.  There’s no place to rest.  Can I accept my own experience?  Yes.  That helps.  Now there’s a spaciousness that can hold discouragement and lostness.

Feeling weak and shaky and fragile.  Took Bella to the vet to try to get a handle on why she’s peeing so much.  Vet thinks she may be dealing with an inflammation of the bladder.  Gave me a muscle relaxant.   But the uncertainty doesn’t help.  Driving back I felt like a small child — lost in a supermarket — desperate for someone older and wiser to rescue me and take charge.

Dear Guides & Guardian Spirits, I’m feeling very scared and lost.  I’m afraid that I won’t be able to take care of myself, and everyone will go away from me.  Please help me!
Dear Jenny, we are here, gathered all around you.  You are not alone.  The people who care about you will not leave you if you can’t take care of yourself.  It’s OK to let yourself rest on Spirit.  The Ocean of Compassion is real.  You are not lost, you are always in the hands of God, you are part of God.  It doesn’t matter if you “can’t take care of yourself.” It doesn’t matter if you do nothing.

I can trust myself to act with integrity.  I can trust that I am motivated by kindness and a desire to do good.  I can trust myself to strive to be present for whatever is going on with me.

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