(Written in February 2007)
This pain in my heart — is it resistance to life when life wants to break in and? what?
Yesterday I tried to investigate it, be curious about it, and it did seem to keep changing. And I did get to a quiet place — I don’t think I could call it “peace” — it was too precarious. This morning I found myself singing “Peace I ask of thee O river” and it felt so naïve and innocent, from a time when life was simple, and the wounding not so complex. “Strength to lead and faith to follow…” but there isn’t any one to follow — I’m in the position of leader by default — and all I really want to do is get through the day. Life feels like a grim business, constant struggles to keep going. Struggle to get up —— actually yesterday, after that first struggle, I was able to just do what had to be done (dump, etc) and read in between. But I couldn’t call it “peace.” Peace would mean being able to truly relax, in the faith that I was held and sustained by something bigger than myself, and that everything was ultimately going to be OK, and that something terrible was not going to happen, if I just relaxed and did nothing more.
“Spirit is in charge and Spirit has a plan in which there is a place for a creature as wounded as I am…”