Sadness & Guidance

I haven’t posted in a while because I’ve been really struggling with depression.  This was written in July 2010:
Well, I really am feeling sad.  It may be partly that nobody’s here.  I enjoyed waking up at my brother’s house and doing my tea & journal while able to hear others’ conversations.  Caryn will be back tomorrow, thank god.  I’ve noticed that I’m no longer sitting up straight in the car.  I’ve gone back to the slumped posture.  When I notice and straighten up it feels better, but I don’t stay that way.  And when I wake up I feel uncomfortable in my body.
Well, what am I feeling in my body? A heaviness, a weight, my heart feels heavy.  Wanting to curl up, hang my head.  Tears behind my eyes.  What does it want?  To be held and comforted, told everything’s going to be all right.  sigh.  I think that’s all I ever wanted so many times in my life.  Certainly in my childhood, where it wasn’t available.  Can I give it to myself?  Not really, because right now I don’t have it inside myself.  How does a mother reassure her baby when the bombs are falling?  Maybe the baby calls out a protective instinct, maybe she can say “Mommy’s here” with a solid comforting voice.  I remember how I used to run to my ex-husband, asking for reassurance.

Dear Guides & Guardian Spirits, I’m feeling so sad.  Can you help me?
Dear Jenny, we love you.  Lots of people love you and would comfort you if they knew you were sad.  The root of this sadness is old and deep, going back to an infancy pretty much devoid of tenderness and comfort.  Your mother couldn’t comfort you, she expected you to comfort her.  How could you feel solidly held, or that your weight rested on a firm floor?  This is why it’s so hard to soothe yourself when you’re feeling sad.  There, there, dear.  We are with you, we are making a circle around you.  Remember Jalaja saying “You are never, ever, alone.” It would be OK to curl up with the Napier tape and a doll.  We love you.

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