(Written in December 2006)
Karen helped me shift from conflict about “being open to a lover” to paying attention to the part of myself that I would rather let be dead. What I saw was a just raped 5 year old, bleeding from her vagina, and I didn’t want to go near her. Karen said all she needed was for me to let her know I cared about her, she didn’t need me to do anything — I was caught in that conflict. Karen suggested I send helping spirits, and finally it occurred to me to put her in the center of the circle of women. Then it felt like she was safe enough and boundaried enough so that I could pay attention to her and I felt her pain and anger and shame. Then I asked Karen to let me curl up under the blanket & have her stroke my hair. She also reminded me that that energy is more than sexuality — it’s my passion. My passion for art, for dance, for justice, for peace, for the polar bears… and I do have plenty of that. So tho I’m afraid that part of me is “hurt too badly to live” — it’s not true. I think about the little girls in the brothels in India whose spirits are broken by being raped repeatedly. That little 5-year-old is cowed, humiliated, wounded, but not broken. Her spirit keeps flashing out in my life. And I will shelter that flame, and honor it, and let it live in my life whenever it can.
Tried talking to the 5-year-old — she’s sullen & angry and doesn’t want to have anything to do with me. At one point I said I almost wish she hadn’t appeared in my life. That got her attention and respect — at least she can count on me to be honest. I told her I felt her feelings: her despair, her loneliness. So now we have a dialogue.
It’s true that I didn’t want her, didn’t want to have to pay attention to her pain, didn’t want to have to deal with another layer of pain and abuse and trauma. What I wanted was to begin living my life. But I also have a commitment to the truth, and she belongs to me, she’s part of my work.
She’s angry at me because I was the good one, I “sucked up” to Mom & Dad and kept trying to get people to like me. She wanted to be “bad”, she wanted to explore and experiment and make messes and be sexual — and I wouldn’t let her because I was afraid. afraid no one would ever love me. She says “What good’s love? It never did you any good.”
Dear Guides and Guardian Spirits, I’m having a hard time with this new hurt & angry part of me that’s recently appeared.
Dear Jenny, you are doing fine. You are doing your best to be compassionate to your aching body. Remember that the intent is what counts, not feelings of compassion. Of course you like it better when the feelings come too, but your compassion is already there in your intention of kindness. About this new part of you, you are doing well here too. With your honesty and willingness, you have established a relationship. Your job now is not to make her feel better or find out more about her — it’s to be open and available, and to be mindful of her feelings and needs. Allowing her to express herself through your art is the best thing you can do for both of you. We know this is hard — remember to ask for our help.