(Written in January 2006)
Lit a candle for spiritual help. I’m feeling awful — I don’t even know how to describe it. Sad, lost, bereft, worthless, meaningless. I feel like my life is going to go on like this — cycling between depression, fear, and sickness — for years, never getting better. I feel like I’ve been floundering my whole life and never gotten anywhere, or even gained much wisdom and compassion. I feel so useless. and ashamed that it takes so many people – most of them therapists – to keep me functioning at all. That time last fall when I thought I was doing better seems like a mirage.
Dear Spirits, I’m feeling profoundly discouraged about my whole life. Please help me.
Dear Jenny, you have been better before, and you will be better again. It doesn’t matter that you don’t know what to do. This is a process and it is going somewhere. Thomas Moore says a dark night of the soul is the night sea journey that arrives at a new place, the chrysalis from which the butterfly emerges. You don’t know what work Spirit is doing in you. Patience. You are not alone. Surrender to the process and see where it takes you. Dear Jenny we love you. Know that this is all for a purpose, even tho you can’t see it, that all things do work together for good, that you are a part of that working for good. All shall be well and all shall be well and all manner of thing shall be well.
I’m trying to see the depression as some meaningful, transformative thing that’s happening to me, and my job is not to fight it but to allow Spirit to do its thing. I don’t feel any better but am more able to just be with how I am.