Standing in My Truth

“A life initiation begins with a crisis that dissolves what you knew and what you were.  From the rubble of the ensuing collapse, a new self is born into a new world.”    Charles Eisenstein

My first crisis happened when I was still a baby.  So there’s a way in which what’s happening now feels very familiar.  What’s new and strange is I don’t feel alone.  I feel solidarity with all the people on the planet earth.  We are truly all in this together.

I continue to write in my journal, and I’m typing up from February, a month ago.  Haven’t mentioned COVID-19 yet.  As I type, I wonder why I’m still doing it?  What does any of this mean?  The world (as we knew it) has ended.  I can’t imagine any future in which anyone will be interested in my journal.  But I’ve felt like that for a long time.  And I keep writing and keep typing it up.  Why?  It’s as close as I’ve got for a spiritual practice.  I’ve been finding it hard to meditate, though I can stick with “May all beings be held in lovingkindness” for a long time.  Because of the high probability of dissociating, writing things down and typing them later helps them stay in my mind.  Posting something to this blog feels like standing alone at a vigil holding my sign.  I take my stand here, and I feel strong, standing in my truth.  Oddly, it doesn’t matter if anyone reads it.  Though I have found that there’s great value in reading things out loud to someone who I can count on to be non-judgmental.

I looked for the story of standing alone at a vigil, thinking I had posted it, but didn’t find it.  I don’t remember which war it was.  I joined a vigil in front of the Post Office in Littleton.  I carried my sign saying “WAR IS NOT THE ANSWER.”  Our numbers gradually diminished.  The people who had been there with children left because we were being harassed.  Though I was surprised at the numbers who drove by and gave us a thumbs up.  One man came by and said in a low voice “I’m not brave enough to do this, but I’m glad you are.”  Finally there was just me and one older woman, a long-term peace activist.  She said she was going to a retirement community in Montpelier, so I knew I would be alone the following week.  I thought I would feel embarrassed, but when I got there and stood with my sign, I felt really strong and grounded, standing in my truth.

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