From my journal for September 23
Thinking about trying to tell my insistent friend why I can’t just switch to eating Vegan when I agree that it’s best for the planet, best for the animals. I’ve been struggling to understand why I feel such extreme reluctance to change how I choose what to eat. It’s the baby in me who needs to have food be safe, and I have no idea what represents “safe” to her. I have been noticing my reluctance to try new things — this is recently. I used to periodically walk further along the second floor before I went down to the first, or I’d go down the first elevator/stairs. I’m not sure when it became important to go down by the card room every time. I just noticed it, didn’t do anything about it. When I was first here I was more willing to explore things. But I think the baby is being more insistent on taking up more of my life. It makes sense that, being here at Kendal, and finally feeling safe from being “sent back to Sears & Roebucks,” the baby said “now’s my chance to be heard” and started taking over more of my life. I imagined, when I came here, that I would be able to have a “real life,” that I would be able to teach folk dance and astronomy, that I would go on hikes and snowshoe — and none of it happened. My body behaved like Mocha, stubbornly sitting down and refusing to go where “I” wanted her to go. A sprained ankle, a hurt back, extreme tiredness all slowed me way down.
3rd cup. Yesterday morning, I was feeling shaky, there were even times at the Meetinghouse where I thought I would lose my balance and fall. After crying with Bev & Dulany, I thought the best remedy for the blues is caffeine & chocolate. So, feeling rebellious, I had a cup of coffee and a brownie. I thought my tongue would hurt more, but it didn’t.
Bev & Dulany are two people I feel safe with. When Bev asked how I was, I said OK, and she said “You’re not OK,” and I started to cry. I thought I was being perverse to reach for coffee and chocolate, but I did feel better. Of course it’s possible that having a good cry is what worked.
One result of eating sugar is that I get sores on my tongue. I already had one, so eating a brownie was not a good idea.
I also saw, that when I wanted to finish my will and tax stuff, I just did the minimum. Didn’t find & add up the cost for medication, which I can deduct. I did go over the will, but I didn’t mark things I wanted to have explained, and ask my lawyer to explain. This is very “irresponsible” of me, but I think the baby’s welfare is more important.
Baby: “How can you think about death? I never got a life!!” I know, Sweetie. I’m sorry. I did my best and it wasn’t good enough. You nearly died as a baby.
A quote from an interview of Bessel van der Kolk, posted on Daily Good:
Dr. van der Kolk: Trauma is something that overwhelms your coping capacities and confronts you with the thought: “Oh my God, it’s all over, and there’s nothing I can do. I’m done for. I may as well die.”