Pulled out of that dead place quickly, Thank You!
First thing that helped was telling my friend Elizabeth. She made sympathetic noises and told me she loved me, always much more helpful than making suggestions for how to get out. Then she pointed out that I talked about a problem with my house that had to be fixed, and that the house is a big unfinished piece of business, and would be weighing on me. It’s also painful because I loved my house, and can’t bear to go there any more, it hurts too much. I was able to tell two other friends that I wasn’t doing well, and got kind responses. Being able to tell people instead of saying “I’m OK” is a help. Having to hide it just increases the sense of being all alone and helpless.
This morning I drove down to Keene to see my therapist. The CD playing was Magpie, Living Planet, which is all about how we are destroying the earth. Listening to it, I felt the terrible pain that I’ve felt before, knowing it’s for the Earth, willing to feel it because it’s true, and out of love, and all I can do. When I let myself just feel the pain, not try to make it go away, not make myself wrong, just feeling it, I understand how it’s possible to offer the pain as prayer. I also understood, because it’s a really terrible pain, that my funk yesterday was an effort not to feel the pain. In some way that’s worse, it doesn’t hurt the way the pain does, but the pain, being mostly grief with a little anger, is alive in a way the denial of the pain is not.