Maybe the feeling of abandonment was more intense because Dulany has become a good friend. Erica pointed out that my relationship with Eleanor is problematic because she triggered the big sister’s need to take care of younger siblings, and she needs so much help, way beyond what any one person could do. Possibly my need to help and my inability to help were both triggered by her fall and broken collarbone.
I was also reminded of Deborah’s experience — when she had healed enough to find the world rational, obeying the laws of physics, then Yr became the crazy world. Now, how does that apply to what I’ve just gone through? Maybe something about Adult Jenny feeling safer, allowed Infant Jenny to take over my psyche in a bigger way than she has before. Or maybe it was a kind of mix of terror and observing terror. Makes me think of the two weeks of terror when I went “home” in — I think it was February of ’71 — I had no witness at all, nobody I could tell, I didn’t even write about it. Then I think of the 4th July 1986, when I wrote every detail compulsively. I think it was a couple of years before I rewrote it as a monologue and was able to see the dynamic that was operating. The writing required a witness, but the witness needed material to look at. Just feelings, with no more context, don’t give any information.