Beyond Exhaustion

from my journal, June 4

3rd cup of tea.  Exhausted after Mocha’s morning walk.  I realize that I am totally physically, mentally, emotionally exhausted.  I think the only people who can understand are those who are living with chronic fatigue syndrome.

Looking this up, I find that CFS is very difficult to diagnose.  The primary symptom is fatigue that interferes with normal daily activities, that doesn’t go away with rest, and can be worse after exertion.  They don’t list PTSD as a cause, but Dr. Vreeland told me there’s significant evidence that there may be a connection.  Possibly there’s the same sort of resistance as there is to Developmental Trauma Disorder.  And of course people often think “It’s all in your head,” or “It’s just laziness.”

I think of the possibility that, after running on “flight or fight” my whole life, when I finally got to a place where I knew I would not be kicked out and finally felt safe, I collapsed pretty seriously.  Also, the last time I taught circle dance, which usually energizes me, or at least makes me feel better, I was so exhausted I nearly collapsed.

I reread my blog post about writing practice.  I write about my pain for all the destruction on our planet right now.  “I don’t know what to do with it.  It weighs me down.  It makes it hard to keep going.  It makes it hard to sit and do nothing because then the pain starts pushing to be felt.    It comes as difficulty taking care of myself because that requires paying attention to what I need, not to what “should” be done.  … called to bear a measure of cosmic pain.  Can I just hold it and not demand of myself that I do something about it?”  “Just hold it” like prayer or meditation.  Instead of trying to focus on my breath I could just stay with the pain.  Maybe I could try to do tong-len for the planet, for our Mother Gaia.  It would be hard work.  But I think it’s the only thing I can do to help the world I love.

Today’s Message from the Universe.  This was in a Cosmos Journal that I just happened to read today. Llewellen Vaughn-Lee from a post on Unity and the Power of Love:
Love will remind us that we are a part of life—that we belong to each other and to this living, suffering planet. Love will reconnect us to the sacred ways known to our ancestors, as well as awaken us to new ways to be with each other and the Earth. We just need to say, “Yes,” to this mystery within our own hearts, to open to the link of love that unites us all, that is woven into the web of life. And then we will uncover the love affair that is life itself and hear the song of unity as it comes alive in our hearts and the heart of the world.

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