Don’t Want to Live

(Written in June 2004)
Dear Guides and Guardian Spirits, I’m having a pretty bad time.  I wanted to die this morning — I’m just sick & tired of being Jenny — she’s too much burden and not enough reward.  Please help me.
    Dear Jenny, relax.  Breathe.  Feel the couch and the floor holding you up.  You are held up — by the Ocean of Compassion which is there for you.  We are all around you, too.  Supporting you.  It’s OK to let yourself rest on this support.  It’s OK to stop trying to hold yourself up.  It’s OK to let yourself down into that place of not wanting to live.  This is the real courage, to face this darkness, not trying to make it go away.  We know, and you know, that you are not going to kill yourself.  So it’s OK to be here.  It’s OK to rest here.  You will die some day, and lay down the burden of being Jenny.  You can lay down the burden now.  Let us carry it for a while.  Dear dear Jenny, you are needed here on the planet at this time.  Even with all your wounds.  Your wounds are not yours but the earth’s.  You do not need to do anything more than bring compassion to your wounded self.  And when you can’t do that, when you are angry and hating yourself for “not doing better” we are still here, you are still held in compassion.  It’s OK to be angry at yourself for “not doing better” — see! The moment you become conscious of it, it changes.  Of course you have compassion for this woman who is hating herself for being deeply wounded.  How could you not?  Your heart went out to your mother when she said “I’m not liking myself very much right now.” You are the hardest person for you to open your heart to: your own worst enemy, your heaviest burden, the “least of these”.  But you are doing it.  You are doing the work.  You never quit.  Being courageous enough to sit with yourself in the “don’t want to live” place IS the work.  Well done, dear.

“Shamans know that those wounds are not their own but the world’s.” (Matthew Fox)

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