Wanting to Live my “Big Life”

This was originally posted on September 16, 2011.  It’s such a good analysis of my typical breakdown.  It was also a little shocking to find a relatively serious breakdown in 2003.  I always think of the one in 2008, and don’t remember that there were more.  Every time I tried to get off medication in fact.

(Written in October 2003)
I’m scared again, scared that I will never come out of this.  Yesterday I could see that I’m being able to talk about what’s going on for me and to ask for help — I think this is new and also that the cracking of my protective armor might well leave me feeling vulnerable and scared.  How will I take care of myself if I don’t come out of this?   Well. I’ve taken care of myself so far — everything that had to be done has gotten done, either I did it, or I asked for help.
ONE DAY AT A TIME.
Lately I’ve been feeling like I could say angry things to Mom — angry and true things.  I also felt, yesterday, how angry I am at myself for not being able to pull out of this.  I try to feel compassion for myself and I can’t do that either.

So what am I seeing?  This woman who felt over-confident last summer — “I can do it now” — who was wanting to expand her life and learn new things, who really thought she was healed of the hurts of the past and wanted to make up for lost time — wanted to live some of the bigger life that she might have had if she hadn’t been so damaged by trauma and depression.  She really wanted to live that bigger life, and she also didn’t like being on medication — it feels dishonest to her.  So she tried to “do it all”.  Now her actions look incredibly stupid and misguided, especially the house which she should never have started — she should have chosen a simple house plan that could be completed quickly and easily.  She should have thought about the environmental stuff.  She’s bad, selfish, greedy.     “Your creative actions come from the heart.” No, she is not bad, selfish and greedy.  That is Mother’s judgement.  She is a creative person whose creativity has been held in check most of her life by depression and the traumas of childhood.  When her mother died and she inherited a lot of money, her creativity expanded too fast for her skills in staying grounded and asking for help.  The house project was set in motion during this time.  Now she has crashed badly, for a variety of reasons.  She tried to get off the medication. She celebrated herself with a party and she made some big changes in her investments — this is majorly moving against old family injunctions.  As is letting her creativity get big.  What she’s going through now may be backlash from having allowed herself to “live her big life.”
The same thing happened with the building of Neskaya — while it was being built she was so disabled by fear and depression that she had to leave the whole project in the hands of others.  All she could do was keep affirming, in the teeth of her fear, that yes, she wanted it to be built.  Once it actually existed, it turned out to be the perfect setting for the flowering of her creativity.  So, dear, trust that the same thing will happen with the house — that it will turn out to be “exactly right” for what needs to happen next.

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