Really Doing OK Just as I Am

Tuesday, January 1

This morning I was thinking about a conversation with God, where I asked what I needed to do to fulfill “His” will, and God said “You’re doing fine just as you are,” and I said “No, I want something more,” and God said “PTSD isn’t tough enough for you?” So then I thought maybe I really am doing OK just as I am. Maybe I really am doing OK just as I am. I feel a huge relaxing. If that’s true, then I don’t have to push myself to do more. It’s OK if things get done (or not) when I can manage to do them, and it doesn’t matter if they are “late” according to some imagined standard.

Wednesday, January 2

The feeling of really being OK just as I am was stronger than it’s ever been. It was clear, as a felt sense, that even when I don’t do, or put off, “important” things, and judge myself for it, I am still OK. To whom am I OK? to my deepest self, and to Spirit who looks at me with an Erica smile.

Erica is my therapist, who looks at me with a special delighted smile when I say something good about myself.

Parker Palmer talks about making choices with ego, or soul. “Ego” for him is valuing status, praise, money. I have never valued those things. My ego judges me harshly for not fulfilling requirements for the bureaucracy, or to satisfy certain conventions. No, sometimes I don’t judge me but I’m afraid others are judging me. The whole business of washing hands after going to the bathroom, e.g. I don’t do it because I don’t agree that it’s important, and it makes my hands so dry. But if there’s someone else in the bathroom I imagine that they are judging me. They probably don’t even notice.

Parker Palmer, A Hidden Wholeness
I don’t wash my hands all the time, because I don’t believe germs cause disease unless the immune system is down.  Here at Kendal I’m more careful because I know there are people here who are vulnerable.  I often use hand sanitizers instead of soap & water.

When I walked Mocha yesterday morning, there was blue sky, flying clouds, wind, it was warm, snow was melting in the sunlight, it felt like March. Really lifted my spirits. I was able to find the waning crescent, very faint, often hidden by clouds. It was good to see the Moon.

One thing Erica has pointed out to me is how important it is to me to be aware of the Sun and Moon, the planets and stars.  I think it has to do with orienting myself by the stars.

Friday, January 4

I emailed my brother Jesse to thank him for the book he sent me for Christmas and told him I hadn’t been doing well and sent a link to my blog. I got a lovely response in which he said he had read the blog, and he hurt that I hurt so much and he wished he could help me. I have to write and let him know how much he helps just by his response.

Note from talk with Erica:
Instead of making something happen, I’m allowing it to unfold.

posted by someone else on facebook:
I no longer force things.
What flows, flows.
What crashes, crashes.
I only have space and energy
for the things that are
meant for me.

Saturday, January 5

I’m not sure when it occurred to me that when people talked about “the gift of life” it always made me angry. I would respond with “the gift came to me smashed.” But now I’m seeing that what was really happening was the “gift” wasn’t a gift, it was conditional. It wasn’t freely given, I was expected to earn it. No wonder my deepest belief, and the one I find hardest to change, is that I have to “prove that I deserve to live.”

Today, January 9, I still feel OK just as I am.  I don’t think it’s ever lasted this long, or felt so solid.  Thank You.

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