This was originally written in 1993.  I posted it to this blog on June 30, 2012.  I have recently been going back and reading old posts, and mostly liking them very much.  I do this randomly, or start from a particular post and go to the posts before or after it.  I have caught some things that were obvious to me at the time of writing, but that I can now see might be confusing to the reader.  The conditions under which this was written are in the original post.  It’s a conversation between me and Ereshkigal, Sumerian Goddess of the Underworld.  I only quote the last part of it here.  It resonated very strongly with my present struggle between allowing myself to rest, and pushing myself to do what I “should.”

No, Damn, I’m willing to listen, but this all sounds like the most godawful platitudes.  I know the pain and rage of the buried sister.  Surely there’s something more here, something I’m missing.  What do you really have to say to me?
—Something about the power of anger, how to use it correctly, how to burn up what should be burned.  You were angry at your friend today for whining.  Correct use, correct use.  “That’s what it costs” you said.  That’s what I say to you, that’s what it costs, that’s what it costs to live.  It’s hard to be yourself, to really be authentic, to stand for yourself against all the pressures telling you that you’re wrong, crazy, isolated, sinful, selfish.  Selfish, by god — yes I say be selfish, be authentic self.  Jesus didn’t die on the cross so you could be Jesus-clone, he died so you could be Jenny.  You must pay the price to be Jenny.  The price is poor health and lack of understanding from society, the price is that many people will not notice you, and many others will be threatened, still others will be jealous and try to tear you down.  The reward is great depth of perception, great power in expressing what you see, and the glorious moments of bringing through a truth from the shamanic world.    The price is self-doubt, and conflict, a struggle to keep your balance among the great spinning wheels, constant effort to see truly, rejection of easy answers.  The reward is the satisfaction of encountering truth: bone-hard, bone-deep.

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