I typed all that up and made a draft of a blog post. It took me all day. I added a part about early trauma affecting the development of the brain, how that makes it harder to heal. When I managed to get a little more perspective on myself I saw that I had in fact taken some actual steps in a positive direction: finding out how to get the Dan Siegel course material (good for me!), putting up the poster (good for me!), signing up to write postcards (good for me!), and setting a date when I would start teaching folk dance again (even when I wasn’t feeling very excited about it, GOOD FOR ME!). I actually did those things, despite being at the bottom of the pit of despair, and I did them without using will power to push myself (good for me!) It’s OK to do something really tiny. Given the weight of my despair, a tiny action is an enormous achievement.
The Dan Siegel course is in Integration, a function of the brain that is very important in healing trauma. Introduction: https://www.soundstrue.com/store/journey-of-integration/free-access
I signed up for it, paid for it, but never got any instructions for how to access it. All I had to do was go to the website, sign in (I already had a username and password, which I had forgotten), and go to the course materials. But somehow I haven’t been able to “integrate” these ways of negotiating around the web, so I had to call Sounds True, and have a real person walk me through it. I’ve seen somewhere that a trauma friendly reception area has a human being in it as well as soft lighting and gentle colors. I can’t deal with recorded voices that tell me which button to push. Don’t know if this is just getting older, or being traumatized myself, or just being overwhelmed, as highly sensitive people are vulnerable to being. When I was first learning the computer, things were much easier, and there weren’t a lot of windows popping up on any site I happened to visit.