Fighting Against Being a Triggered Basket Case

I’m having a really hard time today.  I watched part of a video of “Man Enough” — I think the men who are speaking, about their own complicity in abuse of women, are great.  But there were also clips from movies & TV where abuse of women was made a joke and the audience laughed.  I think that’s why I’ve been feeling nauseous all day.

Making and eating breakfast was — I want to say “a heroic effort” but I also realize that I’m angry at myself for falling apart so badly.  It’s all the stuff about women speaking out about their abuse and powerful rich white males saying they are lying.  There was another commentary by Trevor Noah on how Trump paints the abusers as victims.  He does a very good job, but the set-up is so infuriating that it also made me sick.

I had to go out and shop for some essential things: new journal notebooks – it looks like they are retiring the 70 page “wide ruled” spiral bound ones that I’ve been using for years, and I feel distressed, I’m about to lose another familiar old friend; and Xylimelts which help with the dry mouth that I have as a result of the meds I take; and some essential food items – frozen dinners that I can eat – I have to avoid dairy, gluten, and sugar – because cooking is just too hard for me, soup for today when my stomach feels so queasy, etc.  It’s so hard to keep up with all these little details, yet they are necessary, just to keep my body running relatively well.  It’s very upsetting to find these ordinary errands so very difficult to do.  Maybe I’m out of my body again.

I’m writing this directly.  Usually I do considerable editing, mostly to make sure things are clear.  I don’t want to bother with that — it’s just too hard with my neo-cortex off-line and my reptilian brainstem running the show — I’m fed up with trying to explain myself to people who don’t get it.  What I need the most is a group of survivors that I can just go be with, and know that they know and we don’t even have to talk about it.

I was going to let that be it, but then I remembered a workshop that was held after Quaker meeting last Sunday.  We talked in small groups about how the presence of God, Spirit, manifested in our lives.  I tend to think that he/she/it/they don’t manifest in my life a) because I don’t believe in “God” b) I don’t pray or do any particular spiritual practice.  I’ve been meditating only rarely though I can tell that it helps.  But I realize that I do pay attention to messages that come by synchronicity — a song that’s in my mind, a topic that’s mentioned in more than one place, etc.  I do know of times when it has been very clear that I’ve been guided — I’m hesitant to say by whom or what — most blatantly how I got to Stonehenge twice.

So I have to pay attention to something that came up yesterday.  My friend Elizabeth sent me a link to a conversation between Tami Simon and Paul Hawken.  It’s over an hour long, and it was several days before I was able to listen to it.  It gave me an amazing sense of hope.  Something I already know about is how life came into being through the self-organization of molecules, and life goes on creating the conditions that are best for it.  I have seen how the Earth regenerates faster than we could imagine when we stop damaging it/her.  I have hoped for future mutants of bacteria and algae that can process all the plastic and oil and pollution that we’ve been dumping in the ocean.  What I missed is that people are part of the system that self-organizes.  Paul Hawken showed this so beautifully in a lecture to the Bioneers in 2006?  He talks about all the small NGOs that are working for social justice, environmental sanity, and supporting indigenous wisdom.  He says this movement is “global, classless, unquenchable and tireless.”  What I hadn’t really taken in is that people, we, are part of this way that life self-organizes to make better conditions for more life.  So I spent an hour listening to this longer talk, in which he says we are already self organizing to slow global warming, and that this effort simultaneously creates better conditions for all humans.  I kept stopping it to write down his exact words.  “The climate is a complex adaptive self-organizing system.”  “There is a collective innate wisdom in humanity at work that’s hidden and occluded by the media.”  “Solutions that regenerate the planet and restore human well-being.”

The same day I watched this, I got an email of Jan Phillips “Museletter” which said:

So I’m trying to redirect attention to some good news. On Saturday, a group of us in San Diego tuned into Netflix and together watched “City of Joy.” It was heart-rending and heartening all at once, as we watched women learn how to turn their unbearable pain into power. A man risking his life in the service of this just won the Nobel Peace Prize. Karmic justice, of a kind.

I encourage you to watch this movie, and not by yourself. See it with friends. Talk about it after. See what surfaces through your emotions and intelligence. It takes conflict for wisdom to take root. There no shortage of it these days. Evolution in action.

“Evil is the statistical necessity of disorders within a multitude in the process of organization.”   from Teilhard de Chardin, Heart of Matter

That is us, We are a multitude attempting to organize.

I’ve been wearing my red and black OneBillionRising T-shirt as a protest against Brett Kavanaugh.  I got the T-shirt in 2013 when Break the Chain was written and choreographed.  I danced it in the street in St.Johnsbury.

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