This was written 10 days after I sprained my ankle on April 14.  Initially I wasn’t able to walk very far.  The walk to the dining room can take 7 minutes.  Not possible in my disabled condition.  Fortunately, I can get supper delivered.  At first I could hardly stand long enough in the kitchen to cook, but that got better pretty quickly.  It is a long walk plus two elevator rides (and I am so GLAD for all the elevators!)  In fact I’m pretty spoiled here.  The fall also made it impossible to get to the Neskaya Conference, a big event that I had been looking forward and worrying about for quite a while.

So I had felt like I was moving along fine, and then suddenly hit a brick wall.  This made me question why it happened — not because I was stupid, not because God had it in for me, not even because it was a random event — it seemed pretty clear that I was supposed to learn something from this experience.

This journal entry is an attempt to explore what possible meaning there might be in being immobilized for a time.

Journey.  I’m thinking that it will be a long journey to the top of the waterfall stairs and the elevator to the ground floor, then to the massage room.  The word “journey” resonates.  I set out on this long journey, and suddenly got stopped and immobilized.  Where am I going and why?  What’s really important?  What matters to me?  “For a great journey on the drawing tide.”  It makes me think of the Cadfael book, and the crusader whose last journey is up the river a short way, having to be carried, then rowed in a boat.  The “great journey” was Jenny going to Europe, then to California, back to Maine, crossing the country by car more than once.  More than one journey/pilgrimage to Callanish.  The summer I did both a Deena Metzger retreat and the Circlework training, and was so disabled by PTSD terror that I couldn’t get what was available.  That’s actually been true my whole life.  So disabled by early wounding that I couldn’t get what was available.  “Cuncti simus concanente…”  But I did build Neskaya.

The “Waterfall staircase” is a long staircase at Kendal that takes you from the living floors to the community area.

“Massage” — having a massage every week is part of my healing from trauma, since trauma is held in the tissues.

“…journey on the drawing tide” is from a poem by David Whyte

“Cadfael book” is “An Excellent Mystery” by Ellis Peters

Callanish is a stone circle on the Island of Lewis in the Outer Hebrides

Deena Metzger is a writer, her book that meant the most to me is called “Writing for your Life.”

Circlework” was developed by Jalaja Bonheim

“Cuncti simus concanentes…” means “Here we come singing..” and is the music for a circle dance called “The Pilgrims’ Dance.”

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