Excerpts from journal written during the week at the end of February:
Sunday: Woke up not sure where I was. I think from a very intense dream. Feeling very lost.
Monday: Had that strange isolated feeling when I woke up. It feels like I woke up in a strange hotel, not a familiar room. I wasn’t able to get up for a while.
Tuesday: Spent most of the day reading Coming Home. I’m almost done. Only took Mocha out twice.
Wednesday: I forgot to take this notebook. Erica said I was looking and sounding much more relaxed. I had trouble getting how I was feeling and finding words for it. With Erica’s help I began to see that I have stopped pushing myself in some major way. Possibly from spending a whole week letting myself rest so I wouldn’t get sicker. It’s possible that I have majorly let go of the belief that I have to prove that I deserve to live.
I have noticed myself enjoying little things. One was the night I watched 3 YouTube favorites — trailer for Dakota 38, We Are the World, Matt dancing 2012 — and felt very nourished. Another is being able to enjoy very ordinary dinner table conversation.
As I was telling this to Erica, she kept smiling with delight. She said something about how my emotional state was being able to vary in the middle instead of being all on or all off. This is called “self-regulation.” It’s normal nervous system function, instead of being triggered by trauma.
Yes, I do seem to have arrived at some extraordinary ease with my life. What’s tricky is that it feels so unfamiliar.