For the last few days, I have been feeling “unreal.” I went back in my journal trying to find where I first started to feel that. July 17 was the first time I wrote something like “I don’t feel like I’m here, don’t know where I am.” Other entries since then are “I don’t feel like a person,” “no sense of future,” “everything ahead of me feels like a chore.” I can’t find compassion for myself, and I have no sense of Spirit in the universe.
Last Tuesday I wrote:
I see Erica today, but I can’t imagine she can help me. Two friends have told me I am much stronger, but I don’t feel that at all. That’s a little scary. If that’s true, it means that I haven’t been able to take in, experience, the healing I have done. If healing doesn’t feel real to me, how can I ever truly heal?
Erica’s waiting room. I call it “feeling crazy” but really it’s feeling like I can’t trust myself. I can’t trust myself to remember, I can’t trust myself to make a good choice, I have no idea what to do, or what I want. My routine is not functioning very well. I put the eggs in the pan first, not the rice. I wonder if I’m only seeing what I expect to see instead of what is, so I have no sense of being “better,” of having learned or gotten stronger. When I asked Jan why she thought I was better, she said I’m more present. I brought sweet chestnut, for when you are at the end of your rope. “When anguish overwhelms you and you can see no way out.” But this doesn’t feel like anguish, it feels like confusion and despair. It’s true, I don’t see how to go on.
“Sweet Chestnut” is the Bach flower remedy for “Moments when the anguish is too great and seems to be unbearable. Your mind or body feels as if it has come to the uttermost limit of its endurance. It feels as if there is nothing but destruction and annihilation left to face.”