Put on the Oratorium CD. Sitting on the floor, moving with grief, pain in the heart, lack of hope — walking out into the desert with the fragments of a culture, knowing that it’s most likely I will die in the desert, least likely that I will come to people who will receive joyfully what I’m carrying. (Noise down the hill, there was so much noise last night that I was only able to sleep with ear plugs and fan on and relaxation CD.) I have only the vaguest knowing that there’s divine energy out there, buddhas and bodhisattvas, and they are holding our wounded planet very gently. Whether or not anything ever heals does not matter because it will all die, but at least all this suffering is held in compassion.
Bring compassion to this poor woman, who’s fallen into the pit of terror and depression, who’s lost whatever sense or belief gave her life its meaning, who is having a hard time with noise, and is angry at herself for being so sensitive.
Went to Kayla’s for lunch. I was feeling pretty lost — still am actually — feeling like it’s not OK to take up space, I don’t belong here, I don’t feel safe. It’s true, this could be because I wasn’t held enough as a child — I just need some explanation so I won’t blame myself and get angry at myself, and I suppose with some hope that it will change. If it’s a loss due to things that weren’t there in my early environment, can it be healed? I have no idea. And I don’t know what to do. Can the work with Dave help with this? I have no idea.
I’m feeling so discouraged and defeated. I see how, when I was feeling better in the summer, I did the COA black & white thing “I’m all better now.” And so I immediately wanted to widen my life — to take workshops in counseling techniques etc — so I piled more stuff on myself as well as trying to get off the medication. I see now how foolish that was — I’ve lost ground so badly — I’m back in the place where it’s too hard just to get up in the morning, just to keep up the normal schedule here at Neskaya. I’m very angry at myself for being so stupid. And I’m very disappointed because somewhere in me I want to have that wider life — to go to Jalaja’s workshop, the Windhorse training, visit Bobbi on Cape Cod. I can see better the cycle that Karen talked about, how when I’m in an upswing I pile on more & more instead of building in time for the down cycle and so I crash instead of coming down gently.
So discouraged. But at least I don’t feel as lost as I did yesterday. I didn’t do anything to try to bring myself out of it. I started the music for “Turning Toward the Morning” and did the dance to express my bleakness — but it helped. I look at my painting of the dancer that appeared when I surrendered to disappointment. That’s the sort of transformation that Greenspan talks about. I suppose if one could get skilled at allowing these emotions to move, it would not be so upsetting that they keep coming back again and again. I imagine/hope that I can be completely free of them — that’s what I thought last summer — Dave tried to warn me, but of course in the up place the downs don’t look like a big deal. Somehow I have to find a balance — enough little joys every day to strengthen me for the inevitable losses and disappointments.
Dave Berger was a Somatic Experiencing Practitioner I saw in Concord for a while.
COA – Children of Alcoholics