Trying to Work with Fear

I’ve been reading my journal for 2003.  For several years I had just been typing up the guidance writings, but in 2003 I started typing up more from my life.  This was written in October 2003

Feeling so sad about the state of our planet — the enormous numbers who are suffering from war, famine, refugees, and all the animals & plants that we are destroying in our greed and ignorance.  I can feel how much I love the earth and how sad I am because of all the suffering.  I need us to be acknowledging our interdependence, and cooperating for the greater good of all of us.  I had a strong sense of oneness — how what we do do the creatures we do to ourselves.  I have a feeling of carrying the planet — our desperately wounded planet — in my heart.  I’m staying with the sadness as best I can while going on with the housework.  I feel the fear that just staying with it, and not doing anything to change it, means I’ll stay stuck in the sadness.  Bring compassion to that fear.

Feeling pretty bummed out.  Can’t tell any more if I’m sincerely staying with my pain about the world or if I’ve just got lost in my own misery.  Bring compassion to the misery, bring compassion to the sadness.  There, there, Jenny, you’ve been frightened and sad this morning, easily upset…   And the phone rang, and it was Kayla.  I told her what was going on for me and she gave me a quote from Pema Chodron: “The problem is that the desire to change is fundamentally a form of aggression toward yourself.”

Paid all the bills.  Got in trouble trying to reconcile the account in the computer — failed to check off one deposit — didn’t see how to go back and change it.  Burst into tears and I continue to feel upset.  I think I must be very angry at myself — first for making the mistake and then for letting it upset me so much.  I tried reading Pema Chodron (Things Fall Apart) but it didn’t help.  Just another assignment that I’m failing at.  She talks about seeing ourselves with both clarity and kindness — and I think I’m doing that and it’s hard work and it doesn’t make me feel any better. I want to feel better.   I want to be a different kind of person.  I want to be able to live in the moment ——

Actually, I’m not looking at myself with clarity — I’m too caught up in how awful I am and how painful it is to be me.  I feel like I’m just grinding myself down, and I don’t know how to stop it.

Dear Spirits, I’m so angry at myself for creating all this misery.  Please help me!  Please!

Dear Jenny, you are being much too hard on yourself.  This is why you really need a spiritual community — it is just too hard to do this work all by yourself, and too easy to fall into this horrible tight spiral of trying too hard and making yourself wrong.  Dear Jenny, we love you very much.  We are all around you holding out our love.  It’s OK to collapse completely, it’s OK to stop struggling to be better than you are.  You are doing just fine, stumbling around, getting the bills paid, making mistakes, being unable to get yourself up off the floor.  You need a break.  Something completely different like running downtown with the mail & then take the dog for a little walk  — a minimal walk is OK.

Did that.  Felt scared the whole walk.  I’m so sad to be unable to enjoy a beautiful day like today.  At least I was able to enjoy my two walks yesterday.

This entry was posted in Depression, Guidance. Bookmark the permalink.