Tough Time

Sunday, April 28

I’m going through a very difficult time.  The bad news from the outer world doesn’t help at all.  I feel like I’m living in a war zone.  I am living in a war zone, between the people whose greed threatens to destroy the planet, and the rest of us who are trying desperately to save things that matter to us.

What’s happening now is I don’t know who I am and I don’t know what I want.  I don’t know how I don’t know, there’s no response from my body.  If I ask inside “Do you want to take a shower and wash your hair?” the answer is a kind of heaviness, a deep exhaustion.  I force myself to undress and get in the shower because it has to be done.  I haven’t had a shower for a week.  Then I wash the dishes, not because I want to, but because they have to be done (I have no bowls left) and the hot water is already halfway to the kitchen because I took a shower.

I couldn’t decide what I wanted for lunch.  Didn’t want what was available.  I finally settled on blueberries with soy creamer, and toast with nut butter.  I think part of the problem is I know I have to eat, by looking at the clock, but I feel nauseous instead of hungry because I’ve waited too long.  Then I eat what little I can get down, and it’s not enough.  I think that’s why I fell.

After “lunch” I walked the dog because it had to be done.  Actually, I care about Mocha, so it’s something I want to do, and easier to force myself.  I was hoping it would help ground me.  But just as I was starting across the bridge, I tripped and fell.  At least I crumpled, instead of falling straight so I didn’t hurt myself.  Someone kindly helped me up.  I walked all the way to the second “fir gate” (my own landmark) with most of my attention on my feet.  Then I drove in to the Co-op to buy food.  Mostly for Eleanor, but some things I had forgotten the last time I went.

When I got home, I collapsed on the couch.  I had a cup of tea, and then read, typed journal, and played Solitaire, which are my default “mindless practices” when I just need a break.

Today there are all kinds of things I “should” do.  But I’m giving myself a REAL break by working on a puzzle a friend gave me, and printing out journal which I haven’t kept up with.  Alas, the ink has run out and I have to be feeling a little more together to change the ink.

That’s how it is today.

I should add that I’ve been in this state a number of times over the last couple of months.  It’s partly getting on the “ready list” at Kendal.  I’m not living here in Franconia any more, but I’m not living at Kendal yet.  The other cause is being too much alone and falling into the apathy state of an abandoned baby.

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