Step One: admitted that my life is unmanageable

Written a month ago, but explains very well what I’m feeling now.

Feeling a little wobbly and a little nauseous.  Gosh — I feel scattered and confused.  What does it need?  A container.  Can’t seem to focus or to collect myself.

Spent most of yesterday reading Rosamunde Pilcher, “Voices in Summer.”  One I hadn’t read before.  I was able to really disappear into it.  Before I talked to Erica I started reading my journal from the beginning of 2016.  That was intense.  So much was going on.  I felt a little overwhelmed with my own life — that’s a little how I’m feeling now.  That my life is bigger than I can contain.  I want to be focused and flowing in some definite channel and instead I’m all over the place.  Perhaps I seriously need to be meditating.

At the beginning of last year I was beginning to get it that the person Erica sees may be closer to who I am, than the person I experience.  I was also reciting “peace, love, etc.”  I see that I start a practice and then lose it, and then start it again…  I don’t know what to do with that.  I need some kind of consistent, daily practice.  Actually I thought this writing  was my practice, but it hadn’t really been working the last few days.  I sit and think odd disjointed partial thoughts and don’t write.

I remember once, when I had gone back and read part of my journal [this was years ago] and I saw how it made a shape, how writing each day its own truth, still resulted in a whole, not a jumble.

I’m feeling like my life has got away from me, and I’m very uncomfortable with this, but some part of me is wondering if I can’t just be with this and not try to figure it out or close it down.  I see that I’m not trusting the process.  I also wonder if, instead of trying to pin it down, I were to look at it as a question of finding out who I am now.

What do I know about this person?  She cares, she cares about the Earth in all its wholeness, she cares about people who are marginalized, treated without compassion, all those who are suffering — I was reading in my journal for January 2016 what Father Greg says about those people.  I feel so much pain for them.  It’s so unjust what is happening.  I care about truth, peace, compassion.  I want to have deep, rich, honest relationships with people.  I want to do good in the world.  That is what’s important.

From January 24, 2016:  I will manage, or I will die.  I will live with integrity and kindness, doing my best to be in the present with compassion.

I think what’s making me feel uncomfortably diffuse is that I’ve stopped trying to keep track of every detail.  Stopped trying to be in control.  No wonder it feels disconcerting.  but I think it’s a very good thing.

David Whyte on anger:  “… the incoherent physical incapacity to sustain this deep form of care in our outer daily life; the unwillingness to be large enough and generous enough to hold what we love helplessly in our bodies or our mind with the clarity and breadth of our whole being.”  I think that describes very well how I’ve been feeling — “incoherent,” “to hold what we love helplessly.”

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