Utterly Defeated by Life

I’m feeling utterly defeated by life.  It takes every scrap of will I have to get up and go through my morning routine.  I no longer do my stretches because I take the dog out during that time.  I’m pretty much non-functional when I’m alone.  I’m triggered into the state of a baby left alone: apathetic and helpless.  Truly helpless.

I’ve been trying to reduce my dose of Ativan because studies have shown that it’s not good for your brain as you get older.  In the last year and a half I’ve managed to get my dose down from 1.0 mg to .25 mg.  But getting down to zero is much harder than I expected.  I had to take Ativan last night, so I haven’t managed to lower it at all.  Very discouraging.  I’m wondering if I should wait until the weather’s warmer and I have some way to be with more people.

I’m wishing I had what Renee Yohe had, a group of friends who would stay with me and support me while I withdraw from Ativan.

It’s possible that the very hard time I’m having now is related to the effort to get off a drug.  The political idiocy also weighs me down.

O Great Spirit, please help me.  Please help Eleanor.  May I be filled with lovingkindness.  O Great Spirit, I want to serve you, I want to do your will, I want to do good in the world, I want to help in this time of great crisis.

I just read through Erica’s suggestions for things I might do to help myself and can’t imagine being able to carry them out.  I need a practice that’s very simple.  Maybe trying to find compassion for myself should be my practice.

It’s painful to see how quickly I come down from my excitement about Jalaja’s book and Andrew Harvey’s.  I was thinking about when I was married to Dana, and severely depressed and suffering from the airplane phobia, and reading Agatha Christie mysteries over and over again.  I look at that woman and my heart goes out to her.  So much life unlived — and I had so much to give, but didn’t believe in it, and didn’t know how much help I needed, to get the slide show out into the world for example.  I wanted passion and color and engagement, and some way to make a positive difference in the world, and I had no idea what I was up against.  I feel such pain — grief and anger — for that woman who was unable to open her gifts and share them with the world and blamed herself for being lazy and cowardly.

Of course the other thing that’s being so hard is Eleanor’s having a hard hard time and there’s nothing I can do to help her, and Mocha is scratching worse and I don’t know what to do for her.  I can’t do anything to help these two beings who I love very much.  My helplessness is so painful and brings me down too.

I am totally at the end of my resources.  There’s nothing left.

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