Rosten, quoted by Fox, in Hildegard: “The purpose of life is not to be happy. The purpose of life is to matter; to have it make a difference that you lived at all.” p xi
I like that a lot, and it would really lift my spirits if I could really get that I have done things that matter, that I have made a difference. It feels like I can see it as though through a glass wall, that I can almost know that I have made a difference, but I can’t feel it in the way that makes it real.
Fox talks about how our knowledge of the Divine is experiential. I find that painful because I’ve had so few experiences of the Spiritual. Right now my heart is feeling squeezed. I got an email “Game over for the bees,” and I meant to donate $5 but I don’t think it actually went through. That just makes me hurt more. [Later I got an email saying my gift had got processed.] I love so many things, like the bees, and I just see them getting trashed. I look at this person who hurts because she loves, and how much she wants good for everybody, and the pain she’s in because she feels helpless — and I want to find compassion for her but I can’t do it. “Endure without relief.” Endure this feeling of loneliness, helplessness, lack of love, unable to believe that anyone would ever come and help. I had a momentary image of a number of beings with wings landing on the other couch. I “know” they care about me, but my heart doesn’t lift, and only when my heart lifts, do I get that it’s something real.
A friend sent me this awhile ago. I found it somewhat comforting, but most of the time I can’t really connect with a “heaven” that cares about me.
Refuse to fall down.
If you cannot refuse to fall down,
refuse to stay down.
If you cannot refuse to stay down,
lift your heart toward heaven,
and like a hungry beggar,
ask that it be filled,
and it will be filled.
You may be pushed down.
You may be kept from rising.
But no one can keep you
from lifting your heart
toward heaven –
It is in the middle of misery
that so much becomes clear.
The one who says nothing good
came of this,
is not yet listening.
Woke up feeling painfully lonely. Tried to meditate but couldn’t hold on to anything. It came to me that this is a passage, that I am moving. Yesterday it felt like I was completely flattened. Not only could I not get up, I couldn’t even hold my heart up to heaven and ask that it be filled. I was angry at myself for being defeated. At the same time, I was angry at those who say you must help the downtrodden — where are you when I need you? It was a pretty bad day, one of the worst.
While I was walking the dog I asked for help, and my heart got warm. I said “Thank You.” Later I asked for help again, but nothing happened. Sitting here writing, I feel angry at myself again. How dare you complain? You are warm and sheltered, you have food to eat, etc. Yes, but I was traumatized as a baby, and that has made my life very difficult. I need more support than I have to be able to do more than the bare minimum of cooking and eating and washing dishes, taking care of the dog, paying bills. I haven’t been able to do laundry, or make important phone calls, or even do something that makes a difference.
That reminds me that one good friend’s away, that I called three friends yesterday, left messages, but they never called back. That’s a lot of triggers. I did send Judy a thank you for the note I found — and she came to dance! That did warm my heart.