In summary: Terror faded on Monday as I talked to Dr. Dean about the physiology of trauma. Tuesday morning began terrified but I was able to shake and could feel it releasing. Wednesday morning began terrified, but then I brought compassion to it and it faded. Writing was great. Thursday morning was when I felt so totally relaxed and then got triggered again while making breakfast. Eased by talking to Elizabeth and Karen.
Both Elizabeth and Karen suggested that I couldn’t make fear go away, I could only do my practices and be grateful when grace comes. Maybe it’s something about being open to grace. Being comfortable with uncertainty. When I first read about that idea it scared me. I don’t want uncertainty, I want to feel safe. What I really want is to feel that I am OK just as I am. No amount of physical security can produce that. Only being within a community that tells the truth and is willing to listen to the truth.
I realize that I am already comfortable with uncertainty in the realm of science. I don’t care what is the “real story” of the creation of the universe, I only know that it is more complex, more beautiful, more interconnected than human brains can understand. I know that the complex processes that represent the workings of nature are such that they can be modeled, but can’t be predicted. This is known as the “butterfly effect,” or sensitive dependence on initial conditions, which basically means that we can’t control the process, can’t even make predictions, because some small thing that we hadn’t noticed can make the whole process shift in another direction.
As I write this paragraph, I realize that my life, and my healing, are also complex processes, nonlinear — which means that I don’t just gradually get better — and I am powerless over my life and my healing. I can set a direction, make choices in line with that direction, practice doing things that manifest my values, and keep on keeping on.