The Truth about Myself

Yesterday’s talk with Erica was pretty amazing.  I hadn’t realized all the positive insights and learnings that have happened these past few weeks.  The most amazing was the knowing that my life has impacted many other lives in positive ways.  That feels very solid.  What’s more amazing is that there is not a lot of evidence.  But what there is, is just the tip of the iceberg.  For every person who said “When you said xyz it changed my life,” there are at least 10 more who never said anything.  Also the fact that to me xyz was nothing special.  I was not trying to say anything wise, I was just saying what was obvious to me.  Examples: picking up the wasp at Kripalu, he was walking very slowly in the road.  I knew he was too cold to fly, so I picked him up and put him in a safe place.  The woman I was with said she was blown away.  And talking to Angela’s therapy group about Neskaya.  She said “You are way outside the boxes that those women live in.”

The other very solid piece was knowing I could trust myself to tell truth from lies, at least in my own thinking.  I am not self-deceived.  This gives me a rock-solid foundation of self-respect.  Miss Giles: “That was where her sin lay.  She had not willed cruelty, but she had willed self-deception.”  Elizabeth Goudge, The Rosemary Tree, p237  That was what my mother did, deliberately ignoring those signals from inside.  I pay attention to them and realize that I’m about to say something that’s not true.

I’m wondering where these knowings came from.  I think Erica’s questions helped me to see what I already knew.  But the knowing has been putting itself together deep in my consciousness, down where I have no cognitive awareness, but the process of integration has been going on deep in the darkness and silence.  Down there “where the spirit meets the bone.”  I have been taking in all of the positive things that Erica has said to me, putting them together with Charlotte’s letter and Jalaja’s letter and the video of me dancing “Joy is in My Heart,” and recognizing the truth about myself.  “Deeper Magic from before the Dawn of Time.”  C.S. Lewis, The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe.  Then the truth pops up, out of nowhere, and my knowing that it is truth, even though it’s something good about me, is totally new.  I have even preserved it through a depression which usually leaves me feeling totally awful about myself and my life.  That’s how I know it is solid.

O my!  I was just going through the comments looking for Jalaja’s letter and found so many positive ones.  It warmed my heart.

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