From my journal for Thursday, December 3:
Raining. Bleak. Nothing to look forward to. A chill in my heart. Bring compassion to my chilled heart. Something stops me. I stay frozen. I put my arms around the frozen child. She stays stiff. I think if I hold her long enough I can warm her. My holding her softens, but the frozen part stays frozen. So I have them both at the same time. Now it’s just a heavy ache in my heart. I also try to feel compassion for the one who wants to take in the love others have for her, and can’t do it. I’m angry at myself for being how I am. So painful. Please, can I accept myself exactly as I am? Please help me. I just want to lie down and quit.
Second cup of tea. Feeling disappointed in myself. I accept that I am disappointed in myself. I see that I’m trying to accept to make it go away so I’m not really accepting. What a tangled knot. I hold the tangled knot that I am with compassion — real compassion. The poor dear, to be caught in such a tangle.
Mark Nepo in Darkness Before Dawn:
“It is authentic expression that moves us further in our life of transformation.
“While the role of expression is to be a continual catalyst for transformation, depression is a cramp in the muscle of the soul that prevents us from continuing to express. What is not expressed is depressed. It’s important to say that the grip of depression is no one’s fault, any more than pneumonia is anyone’s fault…
“The pain of depression becomes acute when the depths of awakening — all the feeling and struggle and difficulty — get cramped or paralyzed, and we feel incompetent as we get stuck. Depression locks us in a downward spiral in which we can’t access the full spectrum of human moods…” pp163-4
I’m feeling really depressed. I’m so discouraged, and I’m angry at myself for being discouraged. I try to step back and feel compassion for the one in me who can’t feel compassion for herself for being discouraged. It feels like going through the motions. Life feels dull and meaningless and I’m angry at myself for not enjoying every moment but wasting time reading a book instead. Angry at myself that I can’t make a difference to all the things that are going wrong in the world.
I’ve been playing Solitaire and finding it painful and difficult instead of distracting. I thought of writing KS that I’m badly depressed but I’ve chickened out. I have been typing journal but it barely feels worthwhile. I’m wishing I had the focus or the energy or something that I’m missing which would help me do a blog post. Being able to post makes me feel like I’m EXpressing not DEpressing as Mark Nepo says.
Today, Friday, I’m feeling enough better to type up what I’ve written and post it.