Ongoing Struggle

Went down to see Barbara.  She was depressed too.  We took the dogs for a walk.  We watched Bernie’s speech to Liberty University.  It was heartening.

When I came home I got sucked into the parenting book.  Couldn’t stop reading, even though I was overwhelmed and in pain. and confusion.  One thing that helped was that they said writing about your emotional experiences reflectively can help you process them.

Feeling sad, discouraged, and confused.  And I still have the practical tasks to work on: car recall, senior housing, deal with solar, etc.

So tired.  Mocha next to me, the warmth is comforting.

I see that Kindred Spirits awakened in me a deep longing for such a community.  The suggestion that Kendal might do it seemed like a gift. and I wanted to move in right away.  Now I have given that up – that it would be quick and easy.  I need to explore as many options as I can find.

I am profoundly depressed.  Sad, discouraged, confused.  I can’t read any of the books I’ve got.  They’re too difficult and not comforting.  The parenting one makes me feel stuck in my dysfunction.  The one about God and the Universe writes as though the Big Bang were fact.  The one about ‘open question,’ is Buddhist, talks about staying in the present, not looking for security.  I tried to look at one of the articles in the depression book, but he talked about his depression spontaneously going away and having spaciousness instead.  (p69)  Doesn’t tell me what to do.

The only thing I know to do is to be in the present as much as possible.  Right now the present is full of pain.  My heart hurts, feels squeezed, my head feels battered.  Can I bring compassion to myself?

Here’s this woman, traumatized in infancy.  As a result she’s suffered from severe depression and periods of terror for most of her life.  She’s done a lot of things, tried a lot of “therapies” in an attempt to heal.  Some of them have worked.  But right now nothing seems to be working.  Not-knowing what to do is a serious trigger for her.  Figuring it out intellectually was the only coping skill she had in her childhood.  “Not-knowing” is described by the Buddhist as a “riveting place to be” a place of great learning if you can stay open to whatever happens.  (p2)  That just seems totally impossible to me.

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