From my journal for October 10
Had trouble going to sleep & woke early. Lying there, counting my breaths, I had a momentary qualm “what is the point of my life?” I realize I usually ask it intellectually, when it’s become really hard to keep going. But this morning it was just a profound feeling of meaninglessness.
Recently I’ve been struggling with the concept of uncertainty, of mutability, of things always changing. I’ve been desperately wanting security. I’ve been somewhat annoyed with myself for this “cowardice,” but thinking more about it I see that it’s not external security I want so much as a stable platform inside me, a container that will hold me while I experience the constant changing. I imagine that change for me has always been negative. I’m not sure that’s true, I need to look at concrete evidence which is not showing itself right now. What I feel, when I think of things changing, is the rug being pulled out from under me, the chill down my back when yet another man tells me he’s got someone else.
Maybe it doesn’t have so much to do with security as with attachment. Erica said yesterday: the babies want “to be sure they will be cared for adequately.” I need more support to be able to guarantee that. Erica also said change for me has been traumatic, trying to attach to someone who was numb, who wasn’t there.
I try to imagine holding the babies, feeling that warm sense of them snuggling, and it’s not there. What’s there, in my heart and gut, is pain like a tight cramp, not relaxed and warm. What happened? Now I feel the cold, the chill of abandonment. Maybe it’s that the babies were uncomfortable with my friend who didn’t understand my upset with Barbara not getting back to me. That triggers the trauma of abandonment. Maybe it’s because I paid more attention to the teenagers who didn’t want to cuddle. I wanted to have a conversation with the 12-yr-old and the 17-yr-old.
Dog comes, curls up next to me. I feel the warmth of her body and the warmth of my gratitude and love.
Asking the babies what happened, why are they uncomfortable. I get a sense of mistrust, they are afraid I will abandon them. O my dears, I am so sorry. It’s true I got preoccupied with other things, but I have no intention of leaving you. What I got completely submerged in was the question of finding enough support for me, so I can care for you adequately. I need a certain level of care for myself. Erica said I had built some support for myself: Neskaya, choir, friends I feel safe with, but it was turning out not to be enough. Going to Kindred Spirits showed me how I would be with an adequate level of support.