I can’t remember the session with Erica well enough to write. I did most of the talking — talking very fast, getting lost in stories and forgetting the point. I don’t even remember what I was trying to tell her. I started almost immediately talking about Barry’s sermon on luck, and then reading her Captain O’Hara’s version of God.
“Captain O’Hara’s ideas of God were peculiar to himself. His God spoke with the voice of winds and waters, sat enthroned among the snows, crowned with the stars, His sword the lightning and His shield the sun. His garment was the green of upland forests, and kneeling amongst the bladed wheat, amongst the flowers and grass, one touched the hem of it. And with this God one fought for physical existence, and was lamed and scarred by the fight even as Jacob; and with the pain of the fighting, though Captain O’Hara could not have explained to you how, one somehow bought one’s soul.” p153 Green Dolphin Street, Elizabeth Goudge.
I think now what I was groping toward was getting it that my life has meaning, even if I don’t know what that meaning is. Possibly also getting it that God is active in my life — I told Erica the story about the turkeys, and how I got to Stonehenge. That makes me think of Dancing the Sacred Calendar and wishing I could do it again. It so looked as though life were giving me all the pieces. But now healing seems much more important. I told Erica about posting a blog piece about “extraordinary” and the fear that my friends would stop liking me because I was “bragging” and “conceited.” Sometimes I have the sense that Erica sees me as this wonderful, exciting person who doesn’t begin to get how wonderful she is because she still believes the damaging information she was given as a child. It’s as though the Ugly Duckling had turned into a swan but still thinks she’s an Ugly Duckling. I see this person still struggling to prove that she deserves to live. I am angry and my heart breaks because she has no sense of who she is and no ability to take pleasure in it. I want to take this person out of the greyness she lives in, and bring her out into the colorful world and help her see that she is one of the more colorful beings in it.
How astonishing to see myself from this perspective. I feel like Nadia talking about how God picked her up out of an alcoholic life, looked at her, said “that’s adorable,” and then moved her to AA.