Notes from call with Erica:
She can hear from my voice how deep a place I was coming from.
In the last session, being so quiet, allows presence & connection when it’s quiet. Mother-child dyad, seeing a loving gaze, I was imagining loving Bella and had that loving look on my face. But I wouldn’t have known how I looked unless Erica told me. She also said she got to bask in that look. This quiet is repairing the wound. It wasn’t safe to be in the presence of mother and be in my truth at the same time. You are savoring being in your own presence while with me. Tuesday was our being with our truth. I thought it was “nothing” — just staying with my truth and being with Erica. It’s an ongoing process — to be impatient is antithetical to that presence. How honored I am that you could allow me to be there with you. It feels sacred. I am moved by how much your heart loves.
The most important thing yesterday was my talk with Erica. I tried to write down what she said. I didn’t understand it very well. I’m not sure what it means to “be with my truth” — actually I’m not sure I know what it feels like to “be with my truth.” I came out with the sense that what was important was to try to be completely present (this means Tiny too) whenever I’m with someone.
I stopped being sad after I talked with her. I also realized that there was no point in continuing to mourn for what didn’t happen. In having a practice of doing what I couldn’t do then, I have action I can take. That makes a difference.
With Erica: I cried most of the time. I told her about the empty dog search (it told me there were no dogs within 100 miles that fit my criteria), about the woman invalidating Lynelle. Erica was very angry about that. She said (again) I was brave to be willing to feel that much pain, that deep pain. I said what’s brave about it? I can’t stop it. She said there are lots of ways to stop it. Of course: drugs, alcohol, sex, shopping… I said I do my “mindless practices,” but I do them consciously, and they don’t hurt anybody, even me. I said I was discouraged, felt like I wasn’t getting anywhere, that I would need a lot of patience to take love in in tiny bits. She said I’ll tell you a difficult truth, it’s excruciating. Lots of people, when they get to this point, can’t take the pain and quit. She said it was another big wave of grief, this is part of the process. She asked if I remembered what we had done last Tuesday. I said I didn’t know. She said you allowed yourself to be quiet. I could see that allowing myself to relax, to be with my truth and with her, could easily open up deeper stuff. She told me Matt Fox said if people did 15 minutes of grieving a day, enormous energy would be released. She said she was honored that I’d share that deep pain with her. She said I would slow down when she asked me to, most people just talk right over her.
The session with Erica helped a lot. Giving voice to my grief and pain, which I had been making myself wrong for, allowed me to feel it. She showed me how expressing the grief and pain is the main part of the work. The process requires it. I’m not stuck, I’m doing the hardest piece. And it will come back again and again, so I might as well be ready for it, even welcome it. I also realized that this grief is not just for the things I personally missed, it’s for the pain and suffering on this planet that I am aware of and can feel. That is a lot of grief.
Went over to Neskaya and made a list of dances for expressing grief and pain. I made a CD of my playlist. I’m going to try to dance it as much as possible, every day if I can. I want it to be my daily grief work.