I Can’t See Who I Am

I told Erica about seeing the wounded animal by the road.  It’s one of my worst nightmares, to see an animal so wounded that it can’t live, and not being able to do anything about it. I think it’s because I completely identify with being so wounded that I can’t have a life.  I told her how I dealt with my shock and pain by avoiding something so re-traumatizing, and then doing mindless practices.  She thought I handled it — took care of myself — really well.  I let the activation settle before I thought about the incident.  Then I could write, and tell the story.  We talked about the disconnect that happens when I get excited about something.  It’s as though I can either have my excitement or have the relationship.  I learned this from my mother who didn’t like my enthusiasm, so I had to choose between being enthusiastic and the relationship with someone my security depended on.  Of course I gave up my enthusiasm.  I’ve thought of it as having to lose my self-consciousness before I can share my enthusiasm.  Now I see that it’s not self-consciousness which usually means fearing criticism, it’s consciousness of myself in a good sense, being aware of who I am while I move through my life.  The result of this has been that other people see who I am, and the gifts I have to share, but I don’t see it at all, and don’t get to feel any satisfaction or pleasure.  (O gosh that makes me ANGRY — my SELF was stolen from me before I knew what was going on, before I could do anything about it.)  It always surprises me when someone gives me positive feedback about myself.  Erica said the old pattern of pushing myself and collapsing into depression was because I was disconnected from Tiny.  She said I was learning how to move through my life staying connected to Tiny.  It looks like the work I need to do is practice being aware of Tiny.

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