Wow.  What a turnaround.  I don’t feel any of the pain or confusion I felt two days ago.  One part of me was really beginning to get it that things are still there even when I get disconnected from them: God, Erica, Tiny One.  When I first looked for Tiny One just now she was in my heart!  The other thing was really getting it that the down was just a down in the process, the good place of feeling whole wasn’t lost, was a place I could get back to.  I think accepting that, letting go of anger at myself for “falling back” again, letting go of fear that I won’t get “back there,” letting go of the struggle to get “back there,” allowed me to relax and be happy again.  I don’t think I really saw this until I started writing it down.  The rest of Tuesday was sort of a fog.  Lynelle helped me see that seeing Erica with her next client was a big deal, though now it doesn’t matter.  (It’s a big deal because when you’re working on the level of infancy, you can’t handle your therapist having another baby.)  In this secure place, in touch with Tiny One and my heart and my wholeness and God, it doesn’t matter at all.

Reading in November 2014 I found a place where I’m able to accept that I’m a good person, and then I felt very sad that I have treated this good person so badly.  I was looking at the page where I talk about myself as a “good” person.  I worked so hard last fall to “get” that I am a good person.  And now it doesn’t matter any more!!  I don’t care if I’m a good person or not!  What a liberation!  My job is just to be the best Jenny I can, and my work on healing myself is part of it.

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