In the week since that painful therapy session I’ve been through a lot of ups and downs. But one thing made me hopeful. I talked to a friend about activities I needed to do with someone, and it’s like she didn’t hear me. She said she preferred to do those things alone. I could have asked directly, but I didn’t. Instead I felt amused, and a little surprised at her self-centeredness. Two weeks ago, and for most of my life, that would have triggered me into a serious down. Instead I’m amused. Today a friend, who is very disruptive, has been staying with me. I told her my needs and she honored them, and I was able to stand up for myself in a way I couldn’t do last time she came. Her disruption even took the form of getting stuck in my driveway, so I’ve been dealing with all the AAA stuff, and again, instead of being upset I was amused.
I remember, years ago, sometime between 1999 and 2003, I was sitting at Neskaya, writing in my journal in the morning. There was a Christmas Tree (AKA Solstice Bush) set up and decorated. Suddenly, without any warning, the tree leaned over and fell on the floor with a thump. Instead of getting upset I laughed. Instead of frantically trying to set it back up, I called the people across the street and asked if someone could help me. Their teenage daughter came, but even with two of us we couldn’t move it. At least we were able to drain the water out of the stand. It wasn’t til afternoon, when Gene showed up, that there was someone strong enough to get the tree back up. He connected it with a wire to the balcony so it wouldn’t happen again, and we replaced the decorations that needed it. I remembered that day for years, even recently thought to myself, I wish I could be like I was the day the tree fell down. I just got my wish, and it’s lasted for almost a week. If I lose this wonderful capacity to accept things that used to upset me with amusement, I at least know it’s more likely than before.