Sadness & Guidance

(Written in February 2010)
Yesterday was tough.  I was alone.  The sadness I was feeling is an odd painful sadness — maybe it carries a sense of “forever” like depression does.  It feels like the baby’s sadness — although knowing that didn’t make any difference.  I did curl up on the bed with the baby doll and the Napier tape.  I sat with Lynelle while she was doing yoga and just cried.  I did read one passage, that ends with “my work to heal this traumatized fragment of the earth is meaningful.”  But I wasn’t able to believe it.  I kept saying it over and over as something to hang on to.
Lynelle thinks the sadness is because I’m missing Caryn.  Tears came up when she said it, so it’s probably true.  I’m not consciously aware of missing her, but it’s probably the baby, the very deep parts that she’s been working with, who miss her.  I’m thinking that the painful feelings that shadow the sadness, are probably because this very young part of me doesn’t have object constancy yet.  Caryn is gone, she no longer exists.  This sadness is not the same as grief, which always feels like it’s moving, there’s a stuckness to it, and sense of hopeless helplessness.  The adult part of me was comforted by knowing I have Liz Heron as backup for S.E.  I imagine putting my arms around the baby, holding her gently and warmly.  That helps.

Dear Guides & Guardian Spirits, I’m feeling sad.  Can you help me?
Dear Jenny, we love you a lot.  Sadness is to be expected in a life like yours where there have been many losses.  You are also tired, which makes you vulnerable, and you are sad because you didn’t have enough energy to keep dancing at the contradance last night.  Make some tea and do the lovingkindness meditation for 20 minutes.

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