Not to Rescue, but to be Rescued

I feel crashed, utterly felled, fallen into a deep dark hole by the decision to send Damien back.  What’s most painful is seeing how I do have the skills to work with him and befriend him, what I don’t have is the ability to keep my life going while helping him.  I thought I would be able to go on with some projects, dealing with checking accounts, finishing the booklet Pleiades, when the ink came.  Well it came today, and I can’t do anything.  All I can do is read books that are easy enough to keep my attention.  I think that the gift that Damien gave me was being able to see how very difficult it is to keep any kind of a normal life going for myself.  I need the help of Jane and Lana, I need more support than my friends can give me, just to get through the day.  When something extra knocks me down, I completely collapse for a while.  Eventually I pull myself together and go on.  I’m usually very angry at myself that I can’t do it faster.  I see how badly Damien has been damaged by a neglectful and abusive puppyhood.  Neglect and abuse have pretty much robbed me of any kind of “normal” life.  Unlike Damien I have friends, medication and therapy.  Looking at the reality of my life, it seems amazing that I did anything at all.  But I wrote a book, taught astronomy, was part of Journey into Courage, built and supported Neskaya.  Those are astonishing achievements given what I was up against.  Now I’m getting older, I have less energy, just getting through the day is getting harder.  I’m not going to be able to do anything more with my life, not even rescue a dog.  All I can do is keep getting through each day as best I can, and continuing my healing work.

Recently I fully accepted the knowledge that I am a good person.  It gave me a foundation, a place to stand.  I’ve lost that. When I fell apart last week, it was like the floor had been whipped out from under me. This thing with Damien has left me feeling like an utter failure.  Shall I laugh or cry?  Just a few sentences ago I was writing about my amazing achievements.  But I’m seeing them from the bottom of the floor of the deep well that I periodically fall into.  Both things are true of my life.

Instead of trying to rescue a dog with PTSD, I’m wondering about getting a dog trained to help people with PTSD.  I saw a very moving video about a veteran and his dog.  Imagining doing something that wonderful for myself is very difficult.

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