I’ve been thinking that most of my life I’ve been scared that I’ll do something wrong and everyone will reject and leave me and scared that I’ll fail to do something I’m supposed to do and everyone will reject and leave me. I never thought it out in so many words, but that unnamed fear has been with me most of my life. It’s only now, as I’ve begun feeling that I’m OK just as I am, that I can see so clearly what I was afraid of. I think of the refrain in the my old journals “… then he’ll be gone and I’ll be left alone again.” and the periodic wail “All I ever wanted is for somebody to come and put their arms around me and tell me that everything’s gonna be all right.” I can see now, so clearly, the cry of an abandoned and frightened child.
I’m always watching myself to make sure I don’t make a mistake. I’m always worrying about what I might have forgotten. I panic when I lose my “to do” list. I think what I’ve been calling “days of grace” are when it feels like I’m OK just as I am, I’m not watching myself all the time. Now that I’m in this state more of the time, I can see much more clearly what most of my life has been like.