“Thanksgiving”

From the “Mimi” journal.  In my adolescence, I started writing a journal.  I had read the Diary of Anne Frank, and copied her idea of letters to an invisible friend.  This was written in 1959 when I was 17.

Thursday, 26 November

Dear Mimi,

Today is Thanksgiving Day, but I can’t think of anything to be thankful for.  It’s awful to be so unhappy all the time.  I feel constricted and grey in my chest and I feel as though I’ll never be happy again.  I can’t even be thankful for a cherry colored sunset because even that thought does not open up my heart.  I want to write poetry but I’m too discouraged, dried up inside, to do anything.  Daddy says I’m unhappy because I want to be but I hate being miserable.  I can’t figure out whether it’s because of Don or because I am utterly incapable of being normal and healthy and happy.  Someday — I guess — but someday seems so far off.  Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow creeps in this petty pace from day to day unto the last syllable of recorded time; and all our yesterdays light fools the way to dusty death.  Out, out, brief candle!  Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more, a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.  We are all lost here on this rock, that goes around the sun without meaning.  O lost, and by the wind grieved, ghost, come back again.  I shall always be a borrower and that hurts too.  Why can I not create in any medium?  Why, why, why?  Why am I so discouraged that I can’t work and don’t care about college or the future or anything?  It all seems so hopeless.  I wish I could go crazy or get sick or something.  For a girl who wants to do everything all the way or not at all, it’s awfully frustrating to be continually forced into the middle.

Yours in misery,

Jenny

 

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One Response to “Thanksgiving”

  1. Tai says:

    Jenny-I adore your writing. You describe so well all those feelings. I grieve that you have suffered so. Those of us who have also suffered so derive great support from your writing. I hold you within my thoughts, prayers, and heart most days.

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