Step One Again Again

After the emotional blowout of Thursday, when I told Karen how the work on my car was going on and on and not getting done and cried and cried in her office for most of the session, I collapsed.  I felt pretty washed out yesterday.  Didn’t do much of anything.  Didn’t even call anybody about trying to borrow a car.  I realized it was just too much.  The logistics were beyond me.  I spent most of the day reading.  Yesterday I treated myself as though I were sick.

I thought how the crash happened because I’ve been holding myself together so tightly while Erica’s gone that of course one break in my armor make the whole thing fall apart.

Yesterday, or maybe even Thursday night, I felt like I had arrived again again at Step One — my life is unmanageable.  In the past I have felt hopeless and helpless at that point, but now I feel washed out, cleaned out of all that was bothering me.  I see that I will be able to make a fresh start, but I have to rest first.  I got out AA’s “big book” that Jack had left with me, and read the stories of the first people to come to AA.  They went through so much baffled pain before they were able to surrender.  Their stories comfort me, even though I’m not dealing with an addiction.  I’m dealing with a physiological condition, where I get triggered into inappropriate and overwhelming feelings by something I don’t understand, sometimes don’t even notice.  The baffled pain, the sense of having no control over your own life, feeling horribly lonely — that all resonates with the stories of alcoholics.

This doesn’t feel like other times when I’ve hit bottom.  I’m not lying here wondering what to do.  I know I’ve crashed badly but what I have to do now is take very good care of myself, to keep things as simple as possible, to not demand that I do something I don’t feel I can do.  No push push push.  I am a single mom taking care of a sick infant.  She’s higher priority than anything else.  And I know she’ll get better.  There were times in the past when I was really afraid she was going to die.

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