Some friends were worried because I’ve been going up and down a lot, and sometimes badly depressed. So I called Bill Cote, and he said he would prescribe Lamotrigine, which is a mood stabilizer. I decided it was worth a try, so I started with 25mg on May 9.
I’m feeling a little strange. It’s not bad. I suppose this is to be expected after a taking a psychoactive drug. It will probably wear off as I go on taking it. Or I’ll get used to it. One day at a time.
Again hard to wake up. I don’t like the way I feel, and the way I felt yesterday. It’s like Spirit is gone from the world, everything is flat and empty. People are ugly and stupid and doing meaningless things. I hope it’s not the medication.
I was thinking about the story I told Jan, of how Jesus rescued all the people in hell, and a rabbit appeared at the door, stuck his head up, made a funny noise, jumped up on the screen, then disappeared. I choose to believe that’s a message from Spirit. Thank you! Rabbit has to do with being quiet and listening, listening to intuition, alert to what’s around.
Third day on Lamotrigine. I am so tired. It’s hard to get up and hard to wake up. It’s too painful to be in a world without Spirit, so I’m going to choose to trust that Spirit is still there, and for some reason — possibly connected with the medication, or my fear of the medication — I’m not being able to connect right now. Last night Jan said there was plenty of Spirit in the world. Mostly she talked about people who were doing good things. It was good to see her.
Yesterday I made a decision to trust that my life matters, that Spirit exists. I started feeling better. This morning that indescribable something is out there in the trees, and all around me. Thank god. What in my body tells me that? I can’t find anything. Maybe there’s a little relaxation on some deep level, but I’m not aware of it. Maybe the whole thing was in my head.
So I’m standing there, counting out my vitamins, and I start to cry. I say “Please, God, help me” several times. Then I feel a presence, and the knowledge comes: “This is a process and it will take a while.” “Go on as you have been.” “What you are doing is just fine.” Thank you.