My friend Elizabeth suggested that I needed to incorporate my positive side, instead of just the traumatized parts. The idea was to get the sort of picture that allows me to see my whole self with compassion. Many times, when I’ve been angry at myself for being depressed again again, I tell myself “Take a big step back. Here’s this woman who was traumatized in infancy…” Often I find my heart softening and compassion reaching out to this person who works so hard. Other times I just stay angry or sad.
Because of Elizabeth’s suggestion, I had been thinking of how painful it is to be struggling with despair and terror and to know that one has skills and talents that aren’t being used. Or the desire to help the world in some bigger way than I am now. Wanting to make a big difference. A little voice says “You are already making a huge difference. You are changing the human energy field, and all the people who come to Neskaya are gaining in consciousness, and they are also changing the human energy field. The trauma you experienced in infancy was part of your training, forcing you to work on healing consciousness.”
That was a surprise! The Guidance voice stepping in when I hadn’t asked it. As I was writing what it had to say, a rabbit popped up looking in the screen door. I believe that animals that appear when I’m thinking or writing something are messages from the shamanic realm. Rabbit is about being quiet and listening carefully, to both outside messages and inside messages.