One friend was concerned about me after reading the last blog post. I can’t blame her, I’m concerned about me too. I’ve been doing what the professionals call “suicidal ideation,” although I don’t really want to die, I want to be out of this very painful place. For a number of years, whenever I thought “I just want to die,” there was a voice (the Tough Little Drip maybe) that popped up and said “You don’t want to die, you want a life that works.” But that voice hasn’t been speaking recently. For spiritual reasons, and also because I suspect I must have killed myself in a past life which is why it keeps coming up, I have no intention of killing myself. Though occasionally I worry that thinking about dying might manifest it.
As I was typing the words in the last post “Maybe a drunk driver …” the phone rang. It was a friend who was supposed to come to lunch, saying she’d crashed her car, and could I come to her instead. That made it really clear that having those kind of thoughts puts an energy out into the world which might hurt someone I care about. So, no more “suicidal ideation.”
What I can say when those thoughts start is the loving kindness prayer. The teaching is that you have to start with yourself. So I say
May I be safe
May I experience belonging
May I be comfortable in my body
May I be comfortable in my life.