Dusting of snow. Just below freezing. Pretty totally discouraged. Driving home last night I could feel how angry I was at myself (Eve said she picked up on it) and I was able to be OK with being angry. But this morning I feel stuck and angry and discouraged. Can I be OK with that? Yes, it’s how I am now. Can I bring compassion to it? No. Can I be OK with not being able to bring compassion? Yes it’s how I am. Broken. One of the bozos on the bus. I think there must be a lot of people out there who feel just like me: depressed, discouraged, not knowing how they will keep going. But they aren’t trying to be compassionate about it. But there must be some of those out there too, people who are trying to find compassion in the midst of misery. I feel a softening when I think of them. Sisters in Misery. I think, can I just sit here, with this tangle of negative feelings and not try to change it? My shoulders relax.
What do I know?
1) that I haven’t wasted my life
2) that the source of the Universe is spiritual
Would it really make any difference if I stopped trying to make things change?
3) that I’ve done the best I can and that’s enough.
It’s actually above freezing out there. Sky is grey. I can just keep on keeping on. Reading, typing journal, playing Solitaire, hauling wood, washing dishes, etc. I did want to do a post for Break the Chain. And I wanted to do one from the day Eve called me in tears and I was able to feel the compassion for her that I couldn’t feel for myself.
Pray for those who are discouraged and depressed and don’t know how they’re going to go on.
Eve said that despite my feeling depressed and discouraged, she could see the one who was not. I suppose, if that’s true, that I could still be doing good in the world, despite feeling so hopeless and helpless.
Dear Guides and Guardian Spirits, I’m feeling bottom-of-the-pit hopeless. Can you help me?
Dear Jenny, relax. You are trying too hard. You are trying to live up
— Jane just came with food. I cried & said I was doing really badly. She said she saw me as a person who reaches out to others. She said my tears were seeds that would bring forth goodness some time in the future. —
That was guidance, breaking right into my life. And it’s true that I’m trying to live up to some pathologically high expectation. Let it go. Be lazy, be bad, do “nothing.” Do paintings that are like Tink’s mosaics. Collages!