Tired and slow. A little discouraged. I called both Eve and Barbara, and they didn’t call back. No matter what I did: read, play solitaire, I could feel the sadness like a weight in my heart. I did try to just sit with it too.
After supper, Lynelle and I had a visit. I told her about the song we sing “I’m gonna live so god can use me,” and how I find it hard to see that god can use me when I’m so depressed. Lynelle said she thought that just keeping going was helping god. She said she thought that god wasn’t finished yet, and our work helps with that task. Just choosing for compassion, instead of anger, blame, etc. is helping god.
I’m grateful for Lynelle, for Barbara, for Eve, for Dr. Dean. I’m grateful for Victoria and the choir, and for Tom. I’m grateful for the sun and the moon and the snow. I’m grateful for Jane and Lana. I’m grateful for Karen and Caryn. Grateful for sky and trees, for chickadees and bluejays, for goldfinches.
I’m feeling heavy, especially in the middle of my torso, and a slight nausea feeling, more emotional than physical. There’s a little sadness, and some fear and discouragement about how humans are poisoning the earth. Bring compassion, hold all that angst with compassion.
There’s pain all over my body. It doesn’t feel like coming down with flu. I wonder if this is the pain in the emotional body that Elizabeth talks about. While I was doing my stretches, I thought that one of the things God needs me to do is help heal the human energy field by my work on healing myself. If that’s true, then I’m willing to feel this pain and to bring compassion to it. At the moment I feel very solidly that that is true. Usually, when I’m able to accept/know that I am helping the earth, it makes me feel better. It’s not doing that today, even though my knowing is very solid. But it doesn’t matter how I feel, what does matter is I am willing to have god use me in this way.
This was written a month ago. This last month has been so unbelievably difficult. I’m totally discouraged, feeling exhausted, also feeling unreal somehow, I’ve been alone too much. It’s when I’m alone that I really go downhill. I read what I said, about being willing to be used by god to help heal the human energy field. I said “I’m willing to feel this pain and bring compassion to it.” I didn’t realize it was going to be so difficult. Now I pray to God that this is too much for me, please send me some help, or make it easier somehow.