Of course, I wasn’t able to stay in my wonderful, comfortable state of feeling like I belonged on the planet earth, and everything I was doing was what I was meant to do. I got triggered, more than once, and by Sunday January 26 I was back to feeling “scared and sad.” I’ve actually been in much worse states of scared and sad — states of terror and despair — but this felt really awful coming after feeling so good.
(Written December 27, 2013)
I’ve been having trouble understanding how I could work so hard for so long, have done so many things right, and still keep falling into depression and terror. I opened Fox’s Power Through Constructive Thinking to a story about Dick Whittington — god clearly directed my fingers — because there was an explanation:
“The children of this world … are well adapted to worldly conditions, and, if they are reasonably sensible folk, they get on well enough with the world as it is. Those, however, who have developed and brought into manifestation the spiritual faculty are of another order. … they can no longer live … in the pagan atmosphere of Mammon…
“A transition stage, when the spiritual faculty had been developed, but is … not yet born onto the plane of manifestation: and this is the stage where so much trouble appears. In this stage, your spiritual faculty … is mature enough to have unfitted you for the atmosphere of the world, but it is not mature enough to take charge of and manage your affairs in the light of the Spirit. And now you are likely to have a bad time. Because you do not belong to the world, it will kick you about like a football, and the harder you struggle, the worse will things get. This, nevertheless, is the time to rejoice and lift up your heart, for now, if you are faithful, your salvation is very nigh. These hard knocks are the indication that you are no longer in bondage to material law.” pp152-3
I love the world and I want what’s best for it. Please, god, remove from me everything that gets in the way of me healing and hearing your will and doing it in the world.