This was written at the end of December. As I type it up, I see that the prayer at the end may also be part of the healing I experienced last week.
I read some of the bits and pieces of Emmet Fox that Jack wanted me to read. One of the things I really want to try is the Seven Day Mental Diet where you try to entertain only positive thoughts. He says it’s OK to have a negative thought come in to your mind, but not to dwell on it. The only way to really do that is to immediately focus on something “positive, constructive, optimistic, kind.” My difficulty with this is not wanting to ignore people who are in trouble or struggling. I don’t want to turn away from them. It came to me this morning that I could pray for things to get better for them.
One thing I have trouble with is he says you can “choose” your moods. This has not been my experience. Moods get triggered, they come out of the blue. I have tried to not buy into them by saying something like “this is brain chemistry, it is not the reality of my life.” I’m seeing now that though I have contradicted the mood, I haven’t substituted something positive. What if I went on to say “the reality of my life is that I love the world, all its beings and things, and I want what’s best for all.”
I’ve come up against another block — a major one — I say “Yes, I believe miracles happen, but one will never happen for me,” “Yes, prayer is effective, but not my prayers” — because I’m so defective, worthless and rotten? Jack says that’s just as much ego as the one that says “me first.” According to Emmet Fox, I can pray to have that block removed — and I do so pray. Please, god, remove my block to receiving the fullness of being you intend for me. Please, god, I want that kind of life in which I don’t make decisions, you make them for me. I offer myself to this process.